Kids and Divorce.

part 2.

08/06/08

Melissa, a 12-year-old girl, said, "I don't like being with my parents at the same time. I don't like it when my parents say mean things about each other. Mostly they are fighters using me as their gun. Sometimes they are friends. But I know it is not for too long. I don't believe it when they tell me everything will be O.K."

Marissa, a 12-year-old girl, suggested that parents should not keep their children in the dark about the divorce, thinking they might save their children some pain. She said that they might not think the children understand, but they do, and it helps to know what to expect.

Just by reading how these kids are feeling shows us that children actually suffer more during and after a divorce when parents are busy running their own agendas and using the kids as weapons.
Leave your kids out of the war between you the parents. You have no right to destroy their lives just because you are divorcing your partner.

Tips to helping your child deal with the divorce.

   1. Prepare and explain to the children that you no longer want to be married to each other but that you are not divorcing them.

   2. Explain what divorce means in practical terms. When will they see the non-custodian parent, how often and for how long, or when will they see gran and granddad; what will happen at birthdays and school functions etc.

   3. Avoid the temptation of asking the children to carry messages or to tell you about your ex spouse.

   4. Do not bad-mouth your ex. The more you fight, the more difficult it is for your children to adjust to the divorce.

   5. Do not compete with your ex for their love - your children will always love both of you.

   6. Try to maintain contact with your children, encourage them to visit the non-custodial parent.

   7. Keep your promises to them. They need to feel wanted and to have structure in their lives.

   8. Provide your children with unconditional love. Be generous with touch and affection. Give your children sincere praise and encouragement and allow them to express their feelings.

   9. Help your children to feel they belong, create new family traditions.

If the 2 of you can not agree on anything to do with the divorce including the custody of the kids then get a mediator who will help the 2 of you settle everything without all the fighting and performing.

The last but of advice I would like to give to parents is this if things are really getting ugly and the kids are suffering as well as either of you then go and get therapy.

There is no embarrassment in seeking a professional to help you and the kids deal with all the emotions and it will make everything so much easier for the kids and also help you to make closure and move on with out all the hurt and hate that will affect every other relationship that you enter into in the future.

Blessings to all of you and please take good care of yourselves and your kids. They are the most precious gifts that we will ever be given.

**END**